Why is it that lately, whenever I sit down to write this newsletter, I feel like I have nothing to say?

Which is absurd, really, because something objectively amazing happened these past two weeks: I completed my fifth marathon, well within the cutoff.

I should be proud. I should be celebrating.

Instead, I came home disappointed.

Not because something went wrong. But because, somewhere deep down, I had hoped for more. And I am a fan of setting goals, but it always carries the risk of not reaching them, which can be disappointing. I wanted to run better. Faster. Stronger. I wanted proof that all the training was translating into improvement.

This time, I even tried something different. I deliberately started much slower than usual, hoping it would leave me with more energy towards the end. I imagined myself finishing stronger instead of simply surviving the final kilometres.

But it did not work that way.

By the end, I felt just as depleted as always — just as empty, just as done. Afterwards, I found myself wondering whether the marathon distance will always break me down like this, no matter how carefully I pace it.

My coach gave me the entire week off afterwards. No running. No strength training. No walks. Just rest.

I cannot even remember the last time I stopped completely.

And physically, the rest helped. I slept late. I recovered. By the time I returned to the track this morning, my body felt ready to move again. Mentally, though, I am not sure I recovered at all.

A friend checked in on Friday and asked whether both my body and mentality were recovering. I replied that my body definitely was, but that I was not so sure about my mentality yet.

Underneath all of this sits a fear I do not really know how to admit out loud: what if I never improve again? What if this is the point where things slowly start going backwards instead of forwards? What if no amount of training or hard work will ever help again? How do I keep going then?

I do not know the answer to that yet.

Maybe marathon running is simply meant to humble you. I know improvement is not linear. Maybe endurance is not only about learning how to keep moving through physical exhaustion, but also learning how to continue through disappointment.

And perhaps that, too, is part of the marathon.