Recently, a reader of mine, who has become a friend over the past two years, completed her first marathon. One of the first questions she ever asked me was on how to rekindle self-love. The completion of her inaugural marathon made me think back to this question. I felt the need to revisit my answer, and I wondered if, during her marathon training, my friend discovered an answer of her own to her original question.

People are born with self-love. Babies naturally love themselves—you can see it when they laugh and smile at their reflections in the mirror. When they walk, dance, or play, they do so with complete abandon, untroubled by others’ opinions. Even when they begin to speak, they express exactly what they want to say, straightforwardly. Children don’t worry about others’ perceptions; they believe they are adorable and amazing, and their actions reflect this. However, as we grow older, and it doesn’t take long past the baby stage, the actions and words of others start to erode this self-love.

• We are not invited to a party.
• No friends want to play with us during recess.
• Someone comments on our appearance.
• Our parents scold us.
• We fail a test.
• We stutter, and other kids laugh at us.
• Our partners break up with us.
• Job interview after job interview is unsuccessful.
• People treat us with disrespect, and so on.

The blows that life deals can eventually make anyone believe they are uninteresting, unwanted, stupid, ugly, and even unworthy of love. You may even start to hate yourself and your body.

No one escapes rejection or hearing something hurtful at some point in life. Some people’s personalities and self-belief are strong enough to fend off these attacks. Many people are fortunate to have a support network that can provide encouraging words and even help to refill that self-love tank. (By the way, with my children, I often say something good about them out loud to someone else, knowing they are within earshot.) Quite a few people resort to external means to soothe themselves and feel better temporarily. Some fall deeper and deeper into a pit of depression.

But what if, after many years of breakdown, you reach a point where you want to learn to love yourself again? How do you do it?

While I don’t have definitive answers, I do know the following:

• It’s not an overnight process; you have to be patient.
• The answer is not in hours of pampering, nails, nice clothes, or makeup.
• Someone who loves you immensely and wants to see you shine helps.
• Having someone to love helps.
• Listing the lies you believe about yourself, including why you believe them, and working through them objectively with someone helps.
• Forgiving helps.
• Starting to notice your good points and talents helps.
• Doing the things you love helps.
• Goals to work towards help.

Jentezen Franklin says: “Love like you’ve never been hurt.” Sometimes this is one of the hardest things for me to do. When I’ve been hurt, my first instinct is to protect myself, to withdraw, to start giving less, to engage less, to keep more to myself and become more self-reliant. While I believe that in loving less I love others less, I wonder if I don’t end up loving myself less. And if I do it, how many others do it too?

How do you believe one should go about rekindling self-love?