I have to word this carefully as I do not want it to sound pessimistic.

I find things don’t work for me as it does for others.

When I rest, I become unfit quickly.

Although it was hard work training for a marathon, marathon training caused me to run slower. I know we were training to run further, not faster. But still…

My experience is that I have to be exceptionally disciplined with everything, otherwise it does not work as it should. But I have been working for years to break my “all or nothing” patterns — which usually resulted in nothing. I try to live by an “always something”-mentality. It doesn’t seem to serve me well, though. As if “always something” is not enough.

When I consider the outcries from others commenting about diets only working when you do everything right all the time, I don’t think I am the only one experiencing this problem.

Last week Jateen shared an Eluid Kipchoge quote: “Only the disciplined ones in life are free. If you are undisciplined, you are a slave to your emotions and passions.”

This quote has been milling in my mind since he posted it. I agree with it, but I also don’t. It messes with my “always something”-motto. And with the emotional and passionate way I wish to interact with the world. To me the quote describes a cold and hard person — tough, very tough.

Perhaps results are achieved only by those who are incredibly disciplined.

I don’t aim for perfection anymore. I do not see myself as exceptionally disciplined. I aim for balance and consistency: disciplined enough to grow, but carefree enough to live. Perhaps that is why I do not always get the results I want. Perhaps “always something” is realistic, but the fool’s way of living while thinking that you will achieve something.

Yesterday Jateen sent a message about rest and off seasons. When I read about rest, my reaction often is: “But I cannot afford the rest as it will set me back.” I know only four weeks since the Cape Town marathon has passed, but it feels like I am way behind and need to start over again. Which certainly cannot be, but that is how it feels. There is that “slave to your emotions” part again…

I think the way to reach peace of mind regarding discipline and balance is to ponder the definition of “free”. “Only the disciplined ones in life are free.” Free how? Free to never doubt their performances and results? Perhaps… But that freedom comes at a cost. A cost that is also freedom — ironically.