People talk about the love-hate relationship with running (or any pursuit, really) as if the “love” will always outweigh the “hate.” As if that tension is sustainable forever. But what happens when it isn’t? What happens when the hate quietly crowds out the love — not in one dramatic blow, but slowly, through a hundred small disappointments, sore spots, setbacks, unmet hopes?

When all that’s left is the dread of another session, the shame of being slow, the fear of never improving — and the guilt of admitting out loud that I don’t want this anymore?

That’s the part no one tells you how to navigate.

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I’ve felt for some time now that I don’t want to run anymore. There. I said it.

I dread getting up early to run. I hate knowing I won’t hit the paces and be too slow again. I’ve lost the desire to push, to see if I can improve. Mostly because I no longer believe I can improve.

I don’t know how much of this feeling comes from my poor sleep, or how much this feeling causes my poor sleep. But nothing has helped. So I’ve decided to try the only thing I haven’t yet: rest.

I’m taking a two-week break from running, and I am just more than a week in already.

It might mean I don’t reach my yearly distance goal — and yes, that already makes me feel like a failure. But what else should I try?

To help manage the guilt of not running, I made a list of things I think I won’t lose by taking a short break. Things like:

• My identity as a runner
• My aerobic base
• My muscle tone and strength
• My discipline
• My resilience

Goodness, I hope there’s more…

Surely there are things I’ll gain, too. The first thing I’ve noticed already? The mental relief of an empty TrainingPeaks calendar. I didn’t expect that. But the absence of green ticks and daily workouts with target paces feels like a weight lifted.

I hope that, somehow, properly resting will bring back the love. I hope it helps me find joy in movement again — even if I’m still slow. Even if the only thing that changes is the way I feel about it all.

Because it’s all good and well being told that running is a love-hate relationship… until all that’s left is hate.